Unconditional love provides the cornerstone for a child’s self-esteem.  It’s the love that communicates to a child, “I believe in you, I’m here for you, and I love you no matter what.”  Unfortunately, what many kids get is conditional love. The “I love you if…” or “Yes, but…” kind of love that is impossible for children to obtain and erodes their self-esteem. 

Consistently communicating unconditional love, especially with difficult kids, is made easier by remembering these tips.

HOW CAN I LOVE YOU WHEN I AM NOT EVEN SURE I LIKE YOU SHOWING CHILDREN UNCONDITIONAL LOVE.

Separate the child from the behavior.
                 "THOUGHT=ACTION=ATTITUDE   Actions can change feelings."
Children should always be loved for who they are, and not for what they do. Parents accomplish this by separating the child from the behavior Communicating to the child, “I don’t like (the behavior), but that has nothing to do with my love for you.” Unfortunately, some parents emotionally shut down because of the pain caused by a child’s inappropriate behavior. “My heart is broken…I can’t do this anymore,” are often the words spoken.  Therefore, it's  important to remember is that unconditional love starts simply by making a cognitive choice.  Literally, loving with your head and trusting your heart to follow.  

Provide plenty of focused attention.

     Focused attention means looking into the eyes of a child when speaking with them.  Sadly, much of parental communication is task-oriented. “Have your finished your homework?” or “Did you take out the trash?”  Additionally, much communication takes place when the parent is doing something else such as reading the newspaper or watching television.  When parents provide their undivided attention when speaking with a child, it sends a very strong message to the child and that is, “I value you and what you have to say is important to me.”

Give plenty of appropriate physical contact.

     In his book, How To Really Love Your Teenager, Dr. Ross Campbell stresses the importance of touching your children physically. He states, “Appropriate and consistent physical contact is a vital way to give your teenager that feeling and conviction that you truly care about him. This is especially true when your teen is non-communicative, sullen, moody, or resistant. During these times, eye contact may be difficult or impossible. But physical contact can almost always be used effectively.”  Parents really can touch their youngster’s heart by appropriately touching them. This might be a slight back rub, a toss of her hair, a friendly pat on her shoulder or hand or even a foot massage.  Although it may seem insignificant, parents are sending a powerful message to their teen. They are communicating, “You are important to me and worthy of my interest and my time.”

Appreciate the uniqueness of each child.

     Unconditional love says to a child that I love you for who you are, not for what you do.  Parents can effectively communicate that by appreciating the uniqueness of a child even when she has little in common with other family members. Kids don't have to be clones of mom or dad.  Unfortunately, this can be troublesome for some parents.  It is helpful to remember that your friends are usually friends because you have something in common.  However, it is quite possible to have a child, one of your very own, with whom you have little in common.  This situation doesn’t automatically make one of you right and one wrong.  It simply means you are different. 

     Don’t assign importance to only those attributes that you hold dear, like being thin, playing a particular sport, or being mechanical.  Instead, help each child recognize his own uniqueness.

     How can you value your child’s right to be what ever he wishes to be without always agreeing with his choice?  Again use this technique: 

You can say yes if you can say no to:

Is this illegal?

Is this immoral?

Is it going to make a difference in five years?

Is this something that is going to hurt this child or somebody else?

Is it inappropriate for his age?

Don’t allow your ego to get wrapped up in the child.

     Parents should never allow their egos to get wrapped up in their children. It is astonishing how quickly parental focus can shift here. For example, when children are born, parents quickly count fingers and toes and are delighted when everything is normal. But from that point on, some parents are never satisfied again. Instead, they long for the exceptional child who amazes and dazzles the world. Unfortunately, they quickly become addicted to the strokes they get from their child’s successes. Never give a child the responsibility for your feelings of self-worth.  Instead develop a good self-image apart from your youngster.

Do whatever necessary to encourage a child’s belief in himself.
           "Parents are like mirrors to our children. As we see them, they see themselves."
Finally, parents should do whatever is necessary to encourage a youngster’s belief in himself. Never see a child as a problem, only a challenge. Help him be all he can be. Remember, as parents we are like mirrors to our children. As we see our children, they will see themselves. Psychologist William Glasser writes, “Children find in the eyes of their parents the mirror in which they define themselves in the relationship. Fill it with nothing, they become nothing. They have a tremendous ability to live down to the lowest expectation in any environment.” Make sure what your child’s sees in your eyes is positive.