Family Integrity

I will never forget the sorrow in the voice of a mom as she told a group of parents that because of her divorce, she and her boys were no longer going to be a family. She was certain that the reality of family life would gradually disappear. Unfortunately, for her the word family meant having a mom and a dad and 3.2 kids living under the same roof, with a van in the garage and a dog in the doghouse.

Many families no longer consist of the stereotypical husband, wife, three kids and a dog, all living under the same roof.  Because of the increase in divorce and the growing number of children born to single parents, families today are defined as simply all the people who live in the same household.  Ideally, however, they are committed to one another, spend time together, and share values, beliefs, warm memories, and family traditions. This single mom and her children are very definitely a family, but the quality of life her family experiences depends largely on her.

       Remember, parents, that this is not a dress rehearsal. What you do with your family doesn’t include the possibility of giving a better performance later. The life you live today for you and your children is all there is. Be it good or bad, tomorrow it is history. Make it good for yourself and for them.

MAKING HOME A POSITIVE PLACE

Create a safe environment

     Make your home a safe place for all family members. In addition to not permitting physical confrontations, don’t allow verbal mistreatment. Insist all family members treat one another with courtesy, kindness and respect.

Teach constructive conflict resolution

     There is not a problem in having a problem. However, there is a problem in not constructively dealing with it. Handle conflict through cooperation, negotiation, and problem solving.  Family meetings provide an excellent format for brainstorming possible solutions to problems.  On occasion, however, you can agree to disagree on strong issues. You don’t have to agree on everything and you can still love each other.

Grab every opportunity to spend unstructured time.

     It takes time to get to know a young person, to feel her hurts and understand her problems. Look for opportunities to spend time with your children. For example, play catch or shoot baskets, play video games or board games, build a snowman or sand castle, help with homework or daily chores, go for a walk, ride bikes, or simply read a story.

Plan family fun.

     Spending time together provides the opportunity to make happy memories from which the family can draw on during difficult times. These might include summer picnics, trips to the beach, backyard barbecues, or even learning a sport together as a family. Use arbitration as an opportunity to discuss and plan a monthly family time.  Then make it a priority and put it on the calendar.

Laugh often.

     Mary G. Durkin, in her book Making Your Family Work, suggests that you can lighten your burden—and make the task of parenting more rewarding—if you learn to laugh. Writes Durkin, “When you trip, humor will soften the fall. You can then approach seemingly unsolvable family problems with the old cliché, ‘If I don’t laugh, I’ll cry.’”  Additionally, Psychiatrist Christian Hageseth describes a sense of humor as a broad, optimistic perception of life, and suggests that it can ease tension and improve communication. By keeping your sense of humor and lightening up a little, you make family life much more positive and upbeat. It’s important to remember, however, never to confuse humor and ridicule. Laugh with your children, never at them. And teach all the family members that a good time should never be at the expense of one person in the family.

Teach values.

     Families teach children societal rules and behavioral expectations. Additionally, from the family children learn morals, values, and attitudes. They also learn about relationships and what is considered important. Your actions and your words teach about love, honesty, courage, self-discipline, chastity, loyalty, fairness, empathy, tolerance, respect, and right from wrong.

Establish family traditions.

     Another way to make memories and have fun is through family traditions.  Traditions simply celebrate the family, cultivate family identity, build hopefulness and cement family ties.  They don’t have to be elaborate affairs, just relevant to your family. Your family rituals or traditions might be the special way you celebrate the holidays, acknowledge a family member’s milestone (such as a birthday) or honor a family member’s achievement (such as a good report card.)

Source: Parenting Without Pressure, A Parent’s Guide. Colorado Springs, Co:   Pinon Press, 1993.