NATIONAL YOURS, MINE & OURS MONTH

The Process
            Stepfamilies differ from former nuclear families because they are built on loss, whether by divorce or by death. Before remarriage, it is essential to actively participate in the grieving process.  To achieve this, one must successfully work through the denial, anger, resistance, depression, and acceptance.  Getting stuck in any one of these stages can result in unresolved anger and guilt that make a successful remarriage very difficult.
            The emotional transition for children can often be the rockiest. As a result of the divorce of their parents, many children not only lose daily contact with their non-custodial parent, but they often move to a new neighborhood and a new school. Because of so many losses of the familiar, these kids often feel deep pain and angst, which many mask by angry, defiant behavior. To help stabilize this turmoil, it is vital that the parents  remain emotionally connected, empathize with their feelings, and help mourn their loss. 
             As stepfamilies go through the adjustment of their new lives together, they will experience several predictable stages. Understanding the stages that a blended family experience, and grasping the reason for emotional and behavior changes during each stage is helpful for stepparents. In her excellent book Stepfamily Realities Margaret Newman, suggests that stepfamilies move through five predictable growth stages. 

Stepfamily Stages

1. The Fantasy Stage.  Family members are on their best behavior during this Brady Bunch Family time.  Everyone imagines loving one another, being one big happy family and living happily every after. 
   
2. The Confusion Stage.  Growing tension causes previously experienced happiness and joy to slip away.  Differences begin to emerge, and for parents, the romantic phase appears to end.
   
3. The Conflict Stage.  Family members behave angrily and aggressively as they become aware that their needs are not being met.  Negotiation and honest expression of needs are important here.
   
4. The Stabilization Stage.  Family members learn how to resolve issues and emotions become less intense.
   
5. The Comfort Stage.  Family members feel comfortable with being themselves and are optimistic about their stepfamily and the future. 

Emotions Children Experience

Grief: Remarriage results in a loss and it is natural to grieve.

Fear: Children lose their sense of order and fear they no longer fit it. Also, they are most concerned about what is going to happen to them.

Jealousy: It can be hard sharing living space and possessions, much less a parent with a stepparent or stepsiblings.

Guilt: Many children blame themselves for the break-up of their parents’ marriage and feel disloyal if they accept and enjoy their stepparent. 

Tips for Stepparents
Relationships take time.  Show acceptance and be honest, reasonable, and fair.  Aim to be a friend rather than a parent. (They already have a parent!)

Discipline only after you have established a positive relationship with your stepchildren.  Instead, be supportive of the biological parent's discipline. 

Children can be unappreciative and unpleasant as they adjust.  Don't take their behavior personally.

Keep realistic expectations.

Maintain a positive attitude.

Acknowledge the children's relationship with their other parent.  Never undermine the relationship or the other parent.

Love cannot be legislated. Loving or being loved by your stepchildren immediately never happens.  Relationships take time to grow.

Treat all family members with courtesy and respect. 

Create your own traditions and memories.

Tips for Successful Stepfamilies
Take care of your emotional baggage.

Understand the different stages stepfamilies experience.

Maintain open lines of communication, hold weekly family meetings, and spend time building relationships with each of the children.

Take time to develop positive relationships before disciplining.

Never put a child in a position to defend a biological parent.

Distribute all resources fairly among all the children.

Make sure visiting stepchildren have a specific place they can call their own.

Seek outside help when tough problems arise.

Treat all family members with civility.