National Talk With Your Teens About Sex Month

Why Talk?

  The purpose of this commemoration is to encourage parents to provide their teenage children with current information and open lines for communication.  Our goal is to reduce misinformation and guide teenagers toward making responsible decisions regarding sex.

 

  Although statistics tell us that more teens are becoming sexually active earlier, most teenagers are incredibly ignorant about their own bodies and sexual feelings.  And because much of what they learn concerning sex comes from TV, music, movies, and friends, they often tragically confused the concepts of sex, love and intimacy. Our young people certainly deserve better!

  Parents need to equip teenagers with the knowledge that will enable them to make sound choices and take responsibility for their own sexuality.  Unfortunately, many parents are reluctant to do this for fear that the knowledge of this information will cause their children to become sexually active. The opposite is true!

Studies Say
"Girls who have a set of values, pride in themselves, respect for their bodies and their health, and constructive plans for their future are most likely to have the backbone to resist peer pressure to engage in sex."
Source: U.S. Department of Health & Human services.

  Teenagers whose parents discuss sex with them delay being sexually active longer than those whose parents do not. In addition, once these young people do become sexually active, they are more likely to do so responsibly.

  It is vital that parents continually share their values and beliefs with their teens and encourage them to make decisions about being sexually active before, not after, the fact. For example, most young girls have sex for the first time because of peer pressure.

  Parents should also inform they youngster, “No, not everyone is having sex!” Many kids who say they are – aren’t! Being a teenager is tough enough with the added dimension of being sexually active.  Encourage your teens to wait.

The “I Hear” Checklist For Parents.
  It is very important to LISTEN when you talk with your teen.  The “I Hear” Checklist serves as a tool for parents who want to create open lines of communication about sex, as well as a reminder to really HEAR what their teenagers are saying.

Be Informed
Informed
Honest
Early
Available & Askable
Realistic

 

Make sure your information about the risk, responsibilities, and realities of being sexually active (pregnancy, birth control, sexually transmitted disease) is correct.  When parents provide erroneous information, they often lose credibility that can lead a child to think, “If my mom was mistaken about this, maybe she really doesn’t know what she’s talking about after all.” For example, teen mothers are less likely to finish school and more likely to rely on welfare. 

  Also important is to understand why some kids chose to become sexually active and then provide kids with the skills to say no.

 

Kids become sexually active because:

It feels good                                         Index for maturity

Need for intimacy                                 Need to rebel or take risk

Peer pressure

 

Skills needed to say no include:

Resisting peer pressure.                        Making good choices.

Being responsible.                                 Knowing your limits.

Not using alcohol and drugs.                  Communicating assertively.

 

Learn to say no by learning the lines:

“If you really loved me, you would have sex with me.”

“Everybody is doing it.”

“If you won’t do it, I’ll find someone who will.”

“It’s the only way to prove you are a man or woman.”

“Don’t your trust me?”

“I thought you loved me.”

“We might not get another chance.”

 

"Being pregnant as a teenager is like being grounded for 18 years."

 

Be Honest

Be honest with your teen.  Kids need to know where you stand.  Don’t be afraid to tell your teens that while having sex is a very adult behavior, it does not make adults out of teenagers!  Being sexually active without the emotional maturity that only years and experience afford can be, and often is, a nightmare for many young people.

Advantages to not being sexually active:

A good reputation.                    An enhanced self-esteem.

Educational & career opportunities.

Disadvantages to being sexually active:

Chance of STDs.                      Unwanted pregnancy.

Guilt, depression, and low self-esteem.

 

Be Early

Start early with your children.  Waiting until your children are adolescents to discuss sex is too late.  Instead, continually answer your child’s questions and provide information in an age-appropriate way, as he/she is growing up.

 

Be Available & Ask-able

Create an open, ongoing dialogue about sex with your children, regardless of their gender.  Use news items, advertising, television, and movies as a springboard for discussion.  Be there when your youngsters want to talk, and work overtime on being approachable.  Let your children feel comfortable about asking you anything.  Be careful not to be judgmental in your comments or to let your non-verbal communication say, “Don’t ask me that!”

 

Be Realistic

Be realistic about the world kids live in today and the sexual messages they are bombarded with constantly.  On television alone, a youngster is exposed to 15,000 references to sexual intercourse a year.  Given these numbers, it’s not surprising that 42% of teenagers today are sexually active.  Faced with this reality, today’s parents are learning that telling their teens to say, No! does not keep them from having sex.  Teach your teens how to make informed choices and then provide them with whatever safeguards are necessary to keep their commitment to themselves. In addition, inform them that even if they have had a sexual experience in the past, they can choose abstinence for the future.

 

And finally, be a positive role model.  Children learn a great deal about sexuality by watching their parents.  They are significantly affected by how warmly, respectfully, and affectionately their role models treat one another.  Be aware of your attitudes and feelings about your own sexuality, and make sure what you communicate to your child is positive.

 

Why Wait?

(Written by an older teen to her younger sister.)

           

   Having sexual feelings is normal and having them doesn’t make you a bad person.  However, when you act on those feelings as a young person, it is easy to lose your balance. Believe me, this is not the time to act on them.

   Adolescence is a time to learn how to be friends, to trust your feelings, to take care of yourself, to be responsible, to set goals, and to discover who you are.  Because things are out of sequence when you add a sexual dimension to your life as a teenager, it’s easy to lose learning all these things.  Be good to yourself and wait.

   Also, it is tough enough sorting out your thoughts and feelings for someone when you are not having sex with them.  But once you start having sex with them it can prove to be an impossible task.  This is because everything becomes very exaggerated. 

   Decide before, not after the fact, about being sexually active. And then build in what ever safeguards necessary to keep that commitment to you. Again, be good to yourself and wait.

Source: Parenting Without Pressure, A Parent’s Guide. Colorado Springs, Co: Pinon Press, 1993.