| Communication
Is Vital
Children today are on
the front line of a fast-paced, fast-changing world where clear
definitions of right and wrong are no longer in place. Middle school
children are forced to make decisions unknown to the same age group a
generation ago. “Do I
want to drink or do drugs? Have
sex? Join a gang? Bring a gun to school? Or even stay in school?”
It is easy for even the best of kids to find themselves
overwhelmed.
Good communication
flows from mutual respect, understanding, and trust among family
members, and more than ever before, it is vital that parents create and
maintain good communication with their kids.
Accomplishing this is made easier by remembering several key
points to communication and avoiding communication roadblocks. Here are
some tips:
- Talk
with you kids, not at them or down to them.
- Show
interest by using plenty of focused attention.
- Listen
more, talk less.
- Don’t
interrupt when your children are speaking.
- Listen
actively by repeating back your child’s feelings with compassion
and understanding.
- Cool
off before you talk. Remember,
if you want to be listened to, you first must listen.
- When
you can’t talk, write. A
note of encouragement or apology eases a tense silence.
- Don’t
be afraid to admit when you are wrong.
Points
To Remember
Make good communication a
habit in your family, and use these four triggers to remind you how:
SHARE.
ALLOW. CHOOSE.
EVERYDAY
SHARE
Yourself
With Your Children:
Someone once
said, “Love is spelled T I M E."
Being available is a treasured gift you give to your children
because it tells them you care and are there for them.
You can use unstructured time (such as washing the car together)
or structured time (such as One-On-One dinner dates) as chances to talk
about things that are important to your children.
ALLOW
Children To Speak Their
Minds:
You easily can
accomplish this by remembering the difference between valuing and
agreeing. Lack of agreement
doesn’t automatically make one of you right and the other wrong. It
just means you hold different viewpoints.
Teens are more likely to understand a parent’s point of view
when they don’t need to continually defend theirs.
CHOOSE
Your
Words Carefully:
Responding to
your kid’s immaturity with insensitive or hurtful comments will build
emotional walls between you and your child.
Instead, choose your words carefully.
It is helpful to remember that a fourteen year old is as close to
being ten as he is to being eighteen years old!
Communicate
in EVERYDAY Life:
When you treat your
children with the same courtesy and understanding that you share with
your best friends, you send a strong message of love and support. It
says, “You are important to me and worthy of my time and interest.
And though we might not always agree, I’ll always value your
individuality and your right to feel the way you do!”
THE ART OF ARBITRATION
(A Meeting For The Whole Family!)
Arbitration,
Parenting Without Pressure’s family meeting, is a structured format
that improves communication in the family.
Its weekly meeting format is ideal for busy families because it
provides a specific time and place to establish fair guidelines,
determine clear boundaries, and formulate individual household rules.
One of the greatest values of Arbitration is
that it gives family members an excellent opportunity to be heard,
understood, and have their needs addressed. What's more, arbitration teaches basic problem solving that
encourages children to reason and think.
WHAT ARBITRATION DOES FOR THE FAMILY
- Eliminates
daily fighting by
providing a specific time and place to tackle confrontational
issues.
- Improves
the emotional atmosphere in the home
by shifting parental focus away from daily nagging to enhancing
self-esteem and loving unconditionally.
- Establishes
a time of accountability
that eliminates parental second-guessing about their children’s
behavior.
- Provides
a positive avenue for conflict resolution
by furnishing a win/win format for mediation.
- Teaches
children to reason, problem solve, and critically think
simply by learning the arbitration process for addressing specific
problems.
Arbitration Format
Note: Establish a specific
arbitration time on which the entire family can count.
What about reluctant teens?
Listen more and talk less. Also,
it is helpful to pay allowances and lunch money only at the conclusion
of arbitration!
Start each
session by taking care of family business,
which includes everything from making family announcements to
coordinating busy schedules. This helps the family avoids mishaps and
misunderstandings.
Also, by involving teens in planning family
activities, they are much more likely to participate and have a good
time.
However, the bonus of taking
care of business is that it allows time to talk.
Teens aren’t going to listen until they have been heard.
Arbitration
Guidelines For Specific Problems
Define
the problem:
Carefully pick your battles. Start by asking, “Is this really
a problem?” If so,
describe that problem only. Avoid
pulling from the past or projecting into the future.
Can
we stop here?
Can you resolve the problem
simply by making a request? If
so, stop here.
Let
the kids talk:
The operant word is DIALOGUE.
Therefore, allow time for teens to describe the problem as they see it. Make sure your non-verbal communication is positive and
don’t use negative comments. Both
are certain to shut down communication.
Let
the parents talk:
Discuss the problem by not
placing blame. Instead, use
plenty of “I” messages that describe
your feelings, the
problematic behavior, and the
consequences. For
example, “I feel very frustrated when you leave your hot rollers
plugged in after using them because it creates a fire hazard.”
Brainstorm
possible solutions.
Explore every possible option
(require at least two) that can be utilized as a solution.
Write each down regardless of how far-fetched it might sound.
Then carefully examine advantages and disadvantages of each.
Choose
the best solution:
Choose the solution that will work best for your family and one which
you can implement.
How
did it go?
Go back and review how well you
did.
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