EFFECTIVE DISCIPLINE

Effective discipline starts with understanding the important difference between "discipline" and "punishment."  Discipline comes from the root word “disciple” and it means “to teach.” It’s a positive approach that focuses on teaching children appropriate behavior.  On the other hand, punishment means “to chastise or correct.”  It negatively addresses misbehavior after it has occurred. Parents who confuse these two concepts apply a lot of punishment with little or no discipline.  The key here is simply this: the better you are with the discipline, the less you have to punish.  Therefore, as parents, you want to see yourselves as teachers.  Your goal should be to teach your children all they will need to know that will enable them to function well as adults; things such as the important correlation between their behavior and its consequences (both good and bad), the concepts of accountability and responsibility, and appropriate ways to solve problems and make good choices.

Moreover, effective discipline always starts with positive parenting.

TIPS FOR POSITIVE PARENTING

Define boundaries (rules) before enforcing them.

The child should know what is expected of him before he is held responsible for it.  (Parenting Without Pressure suggests "Arbitration" as an excellent time for this.)  Remember, If you haven't defined it, don't enforce it!

Respond with confident decisiveness when challenged.

Always respond; never react.  Nothing is more destructive to parental leadership than for a parent to disintegrate during a struggle. Therefore, give up the struggle without giving up the authority by offering choices.

1.      Acknowledge the child’s feelings.

2.      Provide a choice or alternative.

3.      Disengage from the behavior.

For example: “Sam, please set the table for dinner. Sam, I can see your frustration, but you have a choice here. You can choose to set the table or you can choose to loose tonight’s television privileges. Sam, I am going to count to three and if you have not started setting the table, I will know what your choice is.” 

Distinguish between willful defiance & childish irresponsibility.

Parental disciplinary response should be determined by the child’s intention.   Remember this when establishing consequences.

WILLFUL DEFIANCE is a deliberate act of disobedience.  It occurs when the child  knows what his parents expect from him and is determined to do the opposite.

CHILDISH IRRESPONSIBILITY results from a child’s being a child.  He is forgetful, has accidents, has a short attention span and a low frustration tolerance, and he is immature.

Reassure and teach after the confrontation is over.

Children should be assured of parental love regardless of their behavior.  The debriefing technique provides an excellent teaching opportunity.  This technique simply asks the questions:

1.  Why did you lose such and such?

2.  What will happen if such and such happens again?

3.  How can you do it differently in the future?

Avoid impossible demands.
Be absolutely sure that your child is capable of delivering what you require. 

Let love be your guide!
A relationship that is characterized by genuine love and affection is likely to be a healthy one, even though some parental mistakes and errors are inevitable.

Sources: Dr. James Dobson, Dare To Discipline. Wheaton, IL: Tyndale, 1987.

                 Parenting Without Pressure, A Parent’s Guide. Colorado

 Springs, Co:   Pinon Press, 1993.